Thursday, December 30, 2021

What Was I Saying?

 



I started writing this post… and I went to look something up… 

Then I came back here… and I felt a wave of guilt…

As tho we had been on the phone together and I stepped away…

Left the phone on a table and forgot about our exchange…

What’s even worse…

I forgot what I was going to post about… 

I figured, more than a poem today…

Why not right…? 

Well… here we are then… I’ll call you back lol…


What was I saying?

It’s been going on 17 years now, since I was diagnosed with a rare, & so far incurable disease. 

It all started off with a burning ache in my knees, and built up to an arthritic ache in most of my joints, accompanied by a lingering fatigue and brain fog. 

Many months later: my ankles became disturbingly swollen and hot pink welt-like bruises developed on my calves and shins.

Lots of doctors and appointments later~ I found a physician that knew what was going on and how to begin to turn things around. 

It all stemmed from an extremely low vitamin d count in my blood- they say normal low for New England is mid to low 20s, and mine was 4.2… 

It took 5yrs to start being able to count more than a few days in a row of feeling better.

Winter is would always be the hardest time physically ~ there has only been one. Just one winter, where I could make it to mid February without feeling the aches, brain fog, dizziness etc… 

My immune system let’s me know in no uncertain terms that it’s crunch time by exhibiting symptoms at will. 

These lovely moments come on sometimes in the guise of the aches and fog, but sometimes in my hands shaking and my skin breaking out in bits of viral pustules (really charming). These skin viruses are no bother to most healthy bodies, but those of us who live compromised… we’ve been there, done that. 

Now that we’ve been through the second year of living through this pandemic… I’ve had to adjust, and rely on my ability to entertain myself, and put my artistic body back to work.

The stress of the baseline situation is felt in my bones, my lymphatic system is taxed, inflammation is high, and symptoms are apparent. There isn’t any comfort, or reassurance in the fact that I’m vaccinated and boosted. And my doctor RETIRED in November of 2019… 

Imagine having a weird immune system during a pandemic, and your only option ~ so far~ for doctors has no clue… they don’t specialize, not their fault. Also not helpful in much more than offering up the latest pill or prescription. 

And there’s the guilt! Omg! Heavy, overwhelming, gloom and doom guilt! When your watching everyone on video chat have together times… and the risk assessment is too high… it’s heart breaking. But the hospital bills, or long haul scenarios are too unbearable to think of… 

No! Let’s not talk about my loss of identity, when I essentially had to chuck my business I’d built since 1997… when the last client I had back in March of 2020… I had been telling everyone to be sure they had no symptoms or exposure before coming to the home studio… she said no… then told me as her hair color was just about all applied that she and her husband were exposed at a party just a few days prior and her husband had run a fever… 

And then the country locked down…

I’ve scrambled since, to gather ppe, make areas outside to do haircuts, and one thing or another put those plans out of wack. 

That stress put my body in crisis mode and the sciatic nerve situation began. 

It only began to loosen when I told people that I would have to be permanently pausing my attempts to get back to styling.

I was essentially crippled for an entire year.

Now I rehabilitate…

“But hon, you need a physiotherapist” 

You may think that, sure. If I hadn’t already been trained in what’s screwed up in my physical being. And the information is out there. How do you think the physiotherapist learns what they learn… and you can ask what ever you want and find whatever info exists. Get base knowledge and build on it-  and never take risks, ok… 

In essence ~ I’m rebuilding on many levels ~ from what feels like scratch. I’ve currently no income, ad sense might be able to pay for my therapist sessions soon, so that’s a relief. Mental Health is dreadfully important currently. If I wasn’t so intent on finding out ways to quell the heaps and swells of inner child- past trauma- shadow work that have been my mind’s favorite hobby during this time… I’m not sure where I’d be. Existence would be the least tolerable thing, if I hadn’t been willing to find a path through. 

My poetry, I have been writing most of what you’ve seen here since 2012 and on… just putting it in the banks so that it needn’t take up space in my head…

My painting, what I’ve always wanted to do… and I’m endlessly grateful that I’m beginning to bring joy to others with it through my YouTube videos. 

I will be constructing a new studio space in our house, so that I can set up and not worry about our occasional quarantine situation ~ impeding my being able to have access to where I’m set up. 

A nice bit of organizing as well, high I love! 

And I know I have many questions coming in as to how I am able to stand not getting out and about. 

It’s simple ~ I don’t want to be any sicker than I already am. I would much rather go without. The meaning is deep for me. We can always reach out through the internet, get take out, watch movies here. And it’s not becoming any easier to envision going back out into public when the current daily infections for Massachusetts is over 16,000. Resulting in over 100,000 current active cases… 

I’d rather have the whole thing done and over… wouldn’t you?

Anyway ~ this is long enough… 

Look for more poeems etc… posts about the studio, and the next gardening season- CANT WAIT! Can’t wait to see what new plants come up this year- as it will be the first year anniversary of us removing all of those huge pines that sucked the ground dry… things are emerging out there! So exciting!!!

Well- happy new year…

Btw- I’m not editing this post- let’s keep it raw kk

J-




Tuesday, December 28, 2021

NEW! Shocking Poem!


Shocking?
Or was I shocked
When I wrote it…? 

 

 

Wednesday, December 22, 2021

December 22nd ~ The Longest Night



The longest night~ 

May we return~ 

Onto the light~ 

To have it reach us all~ 

Let us only carry forth with us~ 

The blessings from the fall~ 

This last spin~ 

Around our sun~ 

While living on this earth~ 

Has tested faith~ 

In the all of us~ 

As adversity stole our mirth~ 

If weight imbalance~ 

Of journeys past~ 

Has steadily upset~ 

The pivot of the muses~ 

Will focus on your debts~ 

Abundance may it reach us all~ 

As well the milder weather~ 

Bring these thoughts along with you~ 

To forge a stronger tether~ 


VLOGMAS 2021 December 22nd

https://youtu.be/UzNbeTW0mNU


#vlogmas #vlog #2021 #NewEngland #pets #christmas #xmas #winter #yule #solstice #cats #dogs #woods #home #cosy #cozy #poet #writer #painter #hyyge #enchanted #fairy #magic #holidaylights #muses #abundance

#slowliving #poem #fullmoon #blessings 

Wednesday, December 15, 2021

Blood Orange Sky

 


I was being tugged at by the kitten this morning ~ he wouldn’t let me be ~ it becomes harder to ignore when he begins to give little love bites to my fingers and hands ~ as I detect the temperature of his ears ~ as he shoves his head into my hands again and again ~ purring so loud ~ I open one eye to look for signs of morning light ~ and this blood orange sky greeted us today ~


Blood orange sky

Like the road to flight

Frost on glasses

Never seen so clear

All dimensions 

Represented

Yet

Never truly captured 

On the camera 

Of our hearts




From the collection “Soft Focus on Need”

Tuesday, December 14, 2021

Flights- 50: Immaculate Stasis

 

The break that isn’t given from real time ~ gives way for the mind to take the break for itself ~ dissociation ~ maladaptive daydreaming & social withdrawal ~ becomes the glass shield ~ coffin-like protection as your mind seeks to protect you…


50

Gunna 

Have to

Buy 

You a bigger ring

For the 

Energy you 

Keep

Kicking up

Your 

Phosphorescent 

Marauding 

In a vast

Immaculate 

Stasis 

Saturday, December 11, 2021

Flights- 49

 




49

I couldn’t 

Make a sound

The air 

Escaped me 

Eluded me

Excluded me

Soft things 

Make it better 

I will surround

Myself 

In weighted armor 

Hinder

The howling winds

Cover my eyes

Can you hear me now

Friday, December 10, 2021

Flights- 46, 47 & 48

 


The ability to remember your control over experience ~ if and when you become tapped into the ring of stress ~ dulls the senses ~ in the extreme ~ memories of calm ~ soft relaxation ~ peace ~ becomes eclipsed ~ obscured ~ unrelated to your reality… 


46

Trap door

Unlocked 

You’re 

So 

Heinous 

You have no idea 

That this 

Poem 

Is about you


47

Pulled back 

Into the muck

I will reach 

For a vine

Or branch

Even a stick

On the side

Of this 

Swamp


48

This ship

Captained by

A howling 

She~Devil

With tresses 

Of silver 

Buried 

On occasion

Thursday, December 9, 2021

Flights- 45 Shine Again

 



Some of these word cakes are from months ago- some are from years ago- when I drop them off here- I wonder- sometimes- about the day they found their way to me- delivery- fresh- from the muses- wrapped up like a present- or served on ice like a fine liquor… always bringing transformation of frequency…


45

Leaving off

Never

On again 

Twisted 

Chemical 

Invasion 

Parallel helix

Driven to heal

Or divide 

Discovered 

In books

Ancient 

In design 

I hunt

An appetite 

A single hint

At a want 

To shine again 

Wednesday, December 8, 2021

Flights- 44

 


44

Twisted 

Camaraderie

Con

Long lies

Broken

Years

Of 

Stunted growth

And

Missed opportunities 

Tickled

By denial

And 

Filled

With absolute 

Dread

Tuesday, December 7, 2021

Flights- 42, 43: Poppets

 





 

42

Poppet

Mean shell 

Covered

And 

Coated

Returning theme 

Repeated 

Ferris wheel 

Trips

Day and night 

Needless

Needles

Poppet



43

Clipped my wings

As soon as you could 

Then sent me

On my way

Settled into 

A cave of sway

Not far from

My cradle 

A night 

And a day

Soon the spark

Was gone

From my eyes

The spring 

In my step

Extinguished

Now I haunt

My cottage 

And the woods

Beyond 

Surrounded 

By whispered 

Laughter 













Sunday, December 5, 2021

Flights- 39, 40 & 41

 

Life’s weather is often finding that you misjudged the size boat you’ll need as you head out onto smooth waters… 


39

The pain was

Just under the surface 

Waiting 

For me 

To disturb 

The crusty 

Hard 

Exterior 

That I 

Had crafted

For circumstances 

Beyond 

My control 



40

Undertow

Must be stronger 

Than 

The Undertow



41

Changling 

Child

Visions 

Misaligned 

Belonging 

Elsewhere 

Breaking 

With the vow

Only to 

Save

What magic was left

Forfeit 

Albeit 

Careless 

Cavalier

Parted ways

With

The only 

Authenticity 

That lived

Inside 

Within 

Encapsulated

By this bit

Of cosmos 

Crumb of universe 

Shooting star seed

Left to

Stumble through 

Human

Consumption 

Again






Saturday, December 4, 2021

Flights- 36, 37 & 38

 



Ribbons of torn wallpaper remind me of memories of emotional suites from the past… they degrade over time, but details are still visible… odd foundations rooted in entropy… 

36

The 

Multi level 

Fountain 

Of pain

That I 

The penny

Was 

Tossed in

Is more

Room 

Than I’ve ever 

Been used to having 

No wonder 

I don’t want to leave



37

Why did I 

Remain so calm

Even as the waves

Kept breaking 

On me

Down 

On me

Crashing

On me

You watched 

From your 

Ledo deck

And

Instructed others 

Not

To throw 

The life saver 



38

The blissful 

Diffused 

Light

That a partly

Overcast day

Brings

Shines

A true light

On the state of my mind

Being sunny 

Behind 

A beautiful 

Veil







Friday, December 3, 2021

Flights- 33, 34 & 35

 


Sometimes the thoughts are like a grove of trees, that lead to another and another grove of trees… you could panic from the thought that you have no ideas when you’ll make it out… but the beauty of the woods takes your breath away and makes you linger and study your surroundings…


33

Babe 

I’m gunna need

Every car 

On this 

Freight train

To haul 

What I’ve 

Got in tow

Criss crossin 

This globe

Because 

Without this mess 

I’m someone

I don’t know



34

All the sugar

Fell out

Leave 

Your disappointment 

At the door



35

I only want the night 

Either to sleep 

Or to walk

The halls

Alone

Quiet 

Let me be

Go

Cacophony 

Go

Beings

Shhhhhhh now

Let me get 

My feathers smooth

I want to breathe 

I need the nothing 

Now

Can’t replace 

My peace of mind

With regular everyday

Not after all this

I know

You can’t hear me

I know you don’t care

I am making sure 

That someone knows 

Why I’ve gone

Into the night







Thursday, December 2, 2021

Flights- Wild Chapters: 31, 32 & 33

 


30

I know 

One day 

I promised 

To tell you 

Of the wild horses

That live 

In my mind

All of the sleek 

Shiny

Hair

Blowing 

In the wind

Dappled 

Spotted 

Muscular 

Mares

Light as air





31

I just

Want 

To dance

Swing

Float

To sting

Light

On feet

Messenger 

With

Wings

Nothing 

Can disrupt 

This 

Rhythm 




32

Check

My traps 

On

The morn

For creepy 

Crawling 

Desperately 

Hungry 

Demons

Of olde

Change

Jingling 

In their pockets

As I 

All alone 

Take them

Out

For reprogramming 

They cannot live

For they cannot die

Costume changes

Are all

We all

Could hope for